


Logan

by EdmondJames_Dantes



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Body Image, Case Fic, Coming Out, Everyday Life Fic, Family, Gender dyshoria, Happy Ending, Insecurity, M/M, PTSD, Sex, Slightly - Freeform, Sorry Not Sorry, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, different POVs, hang in there people, i'm several chapters in but still writing and editing, let me know if you want more tags, of several varieties
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 12:58:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14044770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdmondJames_Dantes/pseuds/EdmondJames_Dantes
Summary: Slice of life fic, angst and family trauma thrown in for free, with a guaranteed happy ending.(Sequel to 'The Sunseeker'.)(EDIT: The summary sucked, so I shortened it.)





	Logan

**Author's Note:**

> This is for Catherinefiremancer, at least a little bit. It was your comment that got me looking through all my written work for something I could build on. So, thank you.
> 
> Fair warning, I have written 5 chapters (if you include the second chapter which is basically a repost of 'The Sunseeker' with an extra bit of Gibbs's POV at the end), and the story is not currently complete. I will be writing and editing this on the fly, as I post. I'll aim for 1 chapter once per week, but no promises. I am dreadfully slow at getting shit finished, and the chapters I've got still need a fair bit of work done on them. 
> 
> This first chapter's a bit short, but it's really just setting a few things up. I tried writing this story without incorporating Tony's POV from Sunseeker and got myself all twisted up and confused over the timeline, so things don't really kick off until the third chapter.

 

 

 

 

_**Wednesday Evening** _

**Leroy Jethro Gibbs**

 

 

The first time Tony kisses him, it changes everything for Gibbs.

 

They're sharing a six pack of beer between the two of them, and it should be an ordinary night of just them sitting together and talking, but Tony's eyes linger on his lips, his gaze seems to catch Gibbs's every few seconds, his pupils blown wide and the iris a thin ring of jade, and Gibbs has butterflies fluttering in his guts with every move Tony makes.

 

Tony shrugs his shoulders and stretches, and Gibbs watches powerful muscles flex under that well-fitting t-shirt and his cheeks feel hot and arousal curls low in his belly. Tony locks their gazes and wraps perfect lips around the top of the bottle and he _winks_ at Gibbs, and heat surges through Gibbs's dick and wetness starts to leak between his thighs.

 

His breath catches, and something, everything, must show on his face, because the cocky flirting falls from Tony's face. Tony surges forward, the bottle falling wayside, and there are large warm hands holding Gibbs's head in place and those perfect lips, soft and wet with beer, roughly press into his own.

 

Gibbs kisses back, opened-mouthed and eager, sucking Tony's tongue in, and he doesn't mean to but his hands slide into Tony's silky hair. He slowly tips back onto his old tired couch, but even as he's pulling Tony with him, Tony's already clumsily following, long limbs unwieldy as he clambers into Gibbs's lap.

 

Gibbs stops thinking. All that matters is Tony rocking his hips, rubbing their dicks together through their jeans, Tony's lips sealed to his own in a hard, desperate, never-ending kiss, and Tony's hands stroking over Gibbs's shoulders, his chest, slipping under hoodie and shirt and touching him skin to skin.

 

It's intoxicating.

 

It's his best friend, someone Jethro loves and trusts without question or reserve, and while he's done his best to suppress any desire for Tony, now that he's got Tony reciprocating loud and clear, it's like a tidal wave of _want_ is crashing through his veins.

 

It's not until Tony's hand ventures south on his belly, gently scratching through his happy trail and sliding over belt buckle and onto Gibbs's denim-covered crotch and squeezing the soft packer, that awareness and reality and fear jolts through Gibbs's system. Tony fumbles with his belt buckle, trying to undo it, and it takes every inch of Gibbs's willpower to pull his lips and tongue and mouth from Tony's, and gasp out, "Not tonight," as he pushes Tony's hand away from his groin, his secret and the undeniable evidence of it.

 

Tony pulls back and stills, eyes wide with fear, and his hands withdraw entirely, now unsure where the lines are.

 

But it's too late. Gibbs has already had a change of heart. Staring into Tony's eyes, Leroy Jethro Gibbs's soul has already silently declared that he's gonna say yes to whatever Tony wants and damn the consequences. He's terrified of Tony asking why or why not, because he's just plain not ready to tell. Until Tony kissed him, he had no idea that this future, this relationship, this man was even an option, but he's already fully committed.

 

The words echo in his head, rush through his blood, and pound in time with his heart: _I'm his._

 

His heart always was too eager to give him away.

 

But Gibbs is still scared of answering to the man who unknowingly holds his heart in large warm hands; he says nothing, staring wide-eyed at Tony.

 

However, instead of questioning, instead of pushing, and better still, instead of retreating, instead of taking his hesitation as outright rejection, Tony gathers some inner strength and smiles gently. "Can I take you out for dinner and dancing tomorrow night?"

 

Gibbs's heart thuds against his ribcage and slowly starts to calm. Wryly, Gibbs thinks that at least this time he knows it's the right man, the right decision. Someone who knows him well and likes him anyway. Someone who knows just what to say to make everything alright again.

 

Gibbs grins and nods happily. This might actually _work_.

 

But of course - because the universe is cruel and chaotic - instead of dinner and dancing, they catch a case. A little boy has been kidnapped. A marine's six year old son, and Gibbs takes one look at the photograph supplied by the boy's mothers, and all he can see superimposing over Gabriel's face is his and Tony's future son.

 

It's one hell of a shock to his system.

 

After so many years, and so many cases, he'd almost gotten used to seeing Kelly when kids are involved.

 

Little Gabriel looks nothing like what their son would look like, his skin's too brown, even for Tony's Italian gold, and his eyes are too light, almost a grey, to be Gibbs's blues. But rage comes hurtling through Gibbs like magma burning through his veins, because this is someone's son, this could have been his and Tony's son if they'd gotten their shit together earlier instead of wasting years on fear and cowardice, and Gibbs will be _damned if he ever lets Gabriel's parents suffer the way he has by losing a child._

 

Gibbs raises his head, gaze locking with Tony, and Tony just looks at him for one long second, pain in his eyes, and then Tony turns around and walks off, no excuse or explanation. But then, Gibbs doesn't need one, he trusts Tony. Whatever Tony's gone off to do is fucking important or he wouldn't be doing it right this instant.

 

He waits impatiently, grumping at Tim and Ellie, and glaring hard when they give him little looks of understanding and kindness, _because they think they know,_ because they know about Shannon and Kelly, but he thinks they should know better than to try comforting him. But exactly one minute later, Tony strides back in, resolve steeling his spine, and something of a predator lurking in his eyes, and then it's a flurry of work, of quick words and quicker thoughts piecing together the evidence and doing everything necessary to solve the case and save Gabriel.

 

In the bullpen, three days later, when they finally return Gabriel to his mothers, Gibbs and Tony are both covered in blood. Gibbs couldn't care less about the blood from the asshole ex-husband that's soaking his own clothes but he's painfully aware of Tony's slashed thigh, slowly dribbling dark red. Even so, Gibbs can't tear his eyes away from watching the two women hugging their young son. It's everything he's wanted to have with Shannon and Kelly since they died, and now, it's everything he wants to have with Anthony DiNozzo Junior some day. It hurts how much he wants both the past and future. It feels like being torn in half. He has to turn and walk away.

 

Tony catches him by the elbow as Gibbs walks past him. Gibbs freezes and glares at him, deliberately looking down at the hand holding his arm and then back up at Tony. Tony should damn well know better to get personal while on duty, and he should definitely know better than to be gentle with Gibbs when he's this fucking close to crying.

 

Tony leans in close, offering privacy, and Gibbs knows, he just _knows_ that whatever Tony is about to say is going to pull the ground out from beneath his feet.

 

Tony whispers, "I'd give you yours back if I could."

 

Gibbs stares in shock, jaw dropping slightly. In this situation there's only one thing - one little girl - he could mean.

 

Tony swallows nervously, but continues, "Both of them."

 

Then Tony lets go and spins around, quickly staggering off, and Gibbs can't move. He can only stare after Tony, absolutely fucking emotionally _destroyed_. Because Gibbs has had three ex-wives and several lovers, and _all_ of them have tried to compete with his dead wife and daughter for his attention. Not one of them has ever validated his continued love for Shannon or treated her as their equal.

 

Gibbs doesn't know how long he stands there staring, but the next thing he knows, he's running as fast as he can after Tony.

 

 

 

 

**Anthony D. DiNozzo Junior**

 

 

Gibbs catches up with him in the NCIS car-park, lands a hand on Tony's bicep, and says, "I'll take you to the hospital," and since that's where Tony was heading anyway, he reluctantly nods. There's an awkward quiet at first in Gibbs's Challenger, but then Gibbs turns on the radio, twisting the old dial until it's on the station Tony has started listening to on his morning drives into work. But it's been a long three days, and Tony's last tired thought is _, Since when does Gibbs pay any attention to radio stations and music?_ before he dozes off to the sound of Jason Derulo crooning _Want to Want Me._

 

The hospital visit is unpleasant, but then Tony hates hospitals. He hates needles, he hates the way the painkillers make him feel all weird, and he hates having to wear the stupid, itchy hospital underwear given to him, since he's not wearing any of his own. He sullenly allows the doctor to clean, poke, and prod at his thigh, and she pronounces it, "A minor wound, shallow, for all that it stretches over eleven inches. Just in need of stitches and a cover to keep it clean."

 

Tony rolls his eyes. He already knows _that._ He would sew it up himself if not for his _hate_ of needles. As it is, when the doctor comes at him brandishing the needle and thread, Tony flinches fearfully and instinctively reaches out for Gibbs. Doctor Wesson eyes them up curiously, the way _Special Agent Gibbs_ instantly steps forward and offers his hand, letting _Special Agent DiNozzo_ grip it tight, but at Tony's hard stare she says nothing and efficiently stitches up his thigh.

 

Then finally, the doctor has finished and gone, and Tony's ridding himself of the stupid underwear and stepping into his jeans, ignoring Gibbs ignoring him, when his phone buzzes on the hospital bed with a text message.

 

"Get that for me, will you?" says Tony, struggling not to fall over as he tries to work out how he's managed to fuck up something as simple as pulling on pants. _It's possible they gave me the wrong painkillers_ , he thinks, blinking down at where his feet are _not_ co-operating with him.

 

"It's from someone called 'Big Bull'."

 

Gibbs sounds pissed off, but Tony chuckles, and doesn't bother to look up, still struggling with his jeans, hopping up and down on one leg. He'd changed his big brother's contact in revenge after finding out that he was called _Lil Shit_ in his brother's phone. Of course, when he'd told Jason that he was now named _Big Bull_ , the annoying man actually liked it.

 

"Big Bull says, 'Hi babe, you wouldn't happen to want a new car, would you? I bought an extra one by mistake the other day. Love, your sugar daddy.'"

 

Tony bursts into laughter. It's just such a Jason thing to say and do. He laughs until he's choking, and shit, he _can't stop._ A tiny, stubbornly sober part of his mind dryly points out that, _The drugs have made you hysterical_ , but Tony's too happily lost in his giggles to care. He's practically folded in half, suffocating from amusement when Gibbs finally comes over, fixes his feet into the correct pants' legs, and roughly yanks his jeans up.

 

"Ow ow ow!"  whines Tony as the denim rubs over his bandaged wound, and not thankful in the slightest, he snaps petulantly, "That hurt!"

 

"Don't be such a baby, _babe,_ " snaps Gibbs right back at him.

 

Tony scowls, and despite himself, his eyes start to fill with tears. "That _hurt,_ Gibbs."

 

Gibbs glares at him, but then Tony's lower lip wobbles, and Gibbs caves completely. "I'm sorry. That was - stupid. And mean. I'll be more careful in future," Gibbs says, his glare fading into an abashed look.

 

Tony eyes him warily. But Gibbs looks like he means it, biting his lip nervously. _That's good,_ thinks Tony, _he should feel bad about hurting me_. But Gibbs has been good, the last few months, about apologising and keeping his word, and as upset as Tony is, he thinks, _I can be magnano- magnana- I can be nice about it._ Tony nods jerkily in acknowledgement and acceptance of the apology.

 

Gibbs sighs, relieved. But something Tony can't read crosses his face. "Who's 'Big Bull'?" Gibbs asks quietly.

 

Tony huffs disdainfully and looks away. He's got no desire to tell anything to Gibbs right now after the man's rough handling of him. _And while I'm wounded, too,_ he thinks angrily. Everything just feels so much _bigger_ than normal, and Tony _knows_ that his reactions are too much - _Dis-pro-por-tion-ate,_ he thinks, and he has to think it slowly in order to think it _right_ \- but he can't seem to stop feeling this way, thinking too slow, then too fast, and he hates - _hate,_ _hate, hate not having control over my own damn mind._

 

But then, with a long sigh, Gibbs does up the buttons of Tony's jeans and buckles his belt, and his hands are comforting and warm as they stroke up and down Tony's forearms, upsetting the hairs and smoothing them back down, and it's Tony's turn to cave, his silly, foolish heart melting with the casually given affection.

 

 _Ugh. Stupid heart._ "Jason Bull is my big brother," says Tony stiffly. He's pretending to be annoyed but Gibbs is _still stroking his forearms_ and his stupid melty heart bursts. The easy, soothing touch is making Tony _want things_. He wants to be able to share the joke, especially with Gibbs, wants to see Gibbs smile at him again, wants to touch Gibbs back, make Gibbs feel good, drop to his knees and-

 

 _Easy, Anthony. They gave you the wrong painkillers, again. Take a few deep breaths and calm down,_ says that sober little voice, and this time Tony listens and tries to obey, deliberately focusing on his breathing, trying to keep it even.

 

Gibbs stills, tensing up, and his eyes fix on Tony's. "You've never mentioned a brother."

 

Tony shrugs. "He and I don't talk much. Just the occasional conversation." Jason calls once, maybe twice a month. Technically they're only half-brothers, with Jason four years older, for all that they look like twins - they both strongly take after mom - but even so, Jason never seems to mind having an annoying little brother. He's never held it against Tony that their mother, Elizabeth Paddington, chose to marry Tony's father, and not his own.

 

"He's cool," adds Tony truthfully, not wanting to be disloyal to a man who's always been good to him. "But we have very separate lives." It's something that Tony's regretted for a long time now, but he doesn't know how to close the gap between them, especially since the distance between them is his fault, his own insecurities getting in the way.

 

Gibbs nods, something like pensiveness on his face, but Tony's starting to feel all hazy and uncomfortable in his own skin, the drug's high fading fast to a low, and he stays quiet and lost in his thoughts even as Gibbs puts shoes and socks back on his feet, his phone back into his pocket, and leads him back through the hospital with a firm hand guiding him from the small of his back.

 

Jason is a good guy, someone who makes a living by helping people, and he always makes time for Tony whenever Tony deigns to acknowledge that he exists. Even if it's mostly to ask for advice, or help, and, on that one occasion, bail money, because Tony gets accused of murder way too often for a guy who _hasn't ever murdered anyone_. It happens like once a year.

 

Tony's actually declared Jason on his emergency contact list at NCIS for the sole reason that it means his brother will be alerted and can come get him if Vance decides he really doesn't mind if Tony spends the night in a jail cell. (To be fair, Vance hasn't ever actually made him spend more than a few hours in a jail cell, but Tony likes to be prepared for it anyway. The director doesn't actually _like_ him all that much. Or, at all.)

 

But it's like a competition between him and Jason, and Jason always wins without having to try. Tony can read people well, but Jason's got like three psychology degrees. Tony wears masks the way other people wear suits, is NCIS's king of undercover ops, and can make anyone like him if he puts in the effort. Whereas Jason doesn't bother with masks, but when he does go undercover for his job he always does it perfectly, but worst of all he doesn't _need_ to put any effort in to make people like him, they just _do._

 

Jason is, basically, like a better, more amazing version of Tony - a thought that leads Tony to hope that Gibbs never meets him, because Gibbs will take one look at Jason's handsome face that is pretty much identical to Tony's and _like it_ , and then when he finds out how _educated_ and _awesome_ and _kickass_ Jason Bull is, it'll be Goodbye Tony, Hello Jason.

 

Tony gets another text, this time from Ziva, just after Gibbs has helped him back into the _Challenger_ , and reading that Tali is missing her _abba_ tugs at Tony's heartstrings painfully. Tony head-slaps himself - avoiding Gibbs's startled and curious gaze as the man settles in behind the wheel - because _he promised_ that he wouldn't be anything like his own father, he promised Ziva that he'd be there for Tali as much as she'd let him, and now it's been at least a week since he's seen his baby girl. But he reigns in the wave of his self-incriminating anger, because it won't do to show up angry, especially not when he's already going to be showing up a little wounded and a lot medicated.

 

It doesn't take more than a quick command phrased as a request for Gibbs to nod and take him to Ziva's new place, but it's not until Tony falls asleep to the radio again, and wakes up outside Ziva's apartment, that he sees the disappointment in Gibbs's eyes, the tension in his shoulders.

 

"You need a hand inside?" is all Gibbs says.

 

Tony shakes his head, and carefully clambers out. He has to lean against the car for a long moment, but when he's finally ready to go in, he hesitates. He turns around and ducks his head down through the open car window. "You want to come in?"

 

It's Gibbs's turn to hesitate, but ultimately he shakes his head. "I don't think that would be a good idea."

 

Tony nods and heads inside. As much as he wants to untangle things with Gibbs, his daughter has to come first. Besides, Gibbs wouldn't expect, or want, anything else; he's a dad as well, he'll understand, and Tony will drop by Gibbs's house at some point during their downtime to talk with him.

 

 

 

 

When Tony eventually musters the courage to open the door to la Casa de Gibbs, it is still the same night of his atypical declaration of love, but only by about twenty minutes. Gibbs is fast asleep, curled up on the couch, on the corner closest to the small fire quietly crackling away in the hearth. Tony takes one look at him and guilt sinks into his belly. Gibbs is wearing jeans and a red hoodie, some worn sneakers. The blankets he normally sleeps in are still folded on the floor. Presumably he had tried to stay up, stay awake until Tony arrived. There is a little paperback book fallen onto the rug.

 

Tony sighs, glad he had shut the door carefully. He walks over to Gibbs, trying to be quiet, but can't help but hiss as he crouches down, pulling a little at his stitches. "Gibbs?" says Tony softly, not wanting to startle him - they both got hurt today, even if Tony's wound is physical, and Gibbs's is emotional. He isn't about to risk shaking awake a sleeping soldier, but he needs Gibbs to wake enough to recognise him before it will be safe to get him properly settled. "Gibbs?"

 

Gibbs stretches a little, yawning and blinking sleepily. "Tony?"

 

"Hey Gibbs," says Tony quietly, finally reaching out and cupping Gibbs's face, his thumb gently rubbing Gibbs's stubbled cheek. It feels like an age since he's last felt Gibbs's warm skin beneath his fingertips. "Let's get you a little more comfortable, yeah? Don't think you want to sleep in your belt and shoes."

 

Gibbs nods his agreement, and he reaches back, his fingers curling in a loose grip around Tony's tie. "We gon' talk now?"

 

Tony hesitates, but Gibbs looks half-asleep. "It's late. We can talk some other time."

 

"Okay. Whatever you want, Tony," says Gibbs, yawning again and childishly rubbing at his eyes with a fist.

 

"Come on, lie down." Tony helps Gibbs shift and lay out over the couch, taking back his tie in the process to Gibbs's sleepy grunts and petulant little growls, and he undoes and pulls off Gibbs's belt and shoes. He grabs the blankets, but as he is smoothing them over Gibbs, a hand catches his wrist.

 

"Stay with me?" asks Gibbs, baby blues blinking but trying to focus on Tony.

 

Tony bites his lip, but before he can decline, Gibbs lightly tugs on his wrist. "Want you t' stay, Tony."

 

"Okay," agrees Tony, a little happy smile stealing over his lips, despite his fear that Gibbs might wake in the morning with a different outlook on the situation. "Just let me stoke the fire."

 

Tony prods the fire with the old iron poker until little flames flare through the mess, adding kindling and three logs and hoping that that will be enough to last the night. He sits on the edge of the coffee table to remove his shoes and belt and jacket, tossing his phone, wallet, badge, and keys, on top. He's too tired to bother removing the little back-up pistol holstered to his ankle, but he didn't bring his main gun; in the unlikely chance he would need one, Gibbs would no doubt provide. His penknife stays in his pocket, of course, no matter how uncomfortable; Rule 9.

 

Then, everything he can think of taken care of, Tony slides under the blankets, cuddling in close and holding on tightly to Gibbs, only in part because he doesn't want to fall off the couch. He presses his nose into the nape of Gibbs's neck, breathing in a scent that smells like home, and at some point while he's warm and safe and content he dozes off.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Now, for the next chapter, I'm giving you the option: you can have a repost of 'The Sunseeker' (with minor alterations), OR, I will re-write it from Gibbs's perspective. The second option will take longer than one week, but it is do-able if you really want it. Tell me in the comments, you've got until 31st of March to decide (and yeah, I'm already giving myself a lot of leeway with the whole one per week thing, shuddup, we're counting from after chapter 2's been posted). 
> 
> If you decide you're fine with a re-post of Sunseeker, do at least read the last scene instead of skipping the whole thing, because that's new POV from Gibbs. 
> 
> Also, this story will have alternating POVs between Tony and Jethro, so it should be fairly balanced either way. This story is not meant to be solely about Gibbs and his being trans. It's basically just about how G and D deal with having actual lives instead of just work and empty house/apartment, and integrating their families together when they fall in love, and them dealing with problems as a couple instead of alone. 
> 
> Now, heads up: there is sex between a cis man and a trans man in this story. Unlike Sunseeker/Chapter 2, it'll get descriptive of this version of Gibbs's genitals. This won't be representative of all trans men's genitals, nor of how all trans men like to have sex. That literally can't be helped because of the various types of 'transitioning', hormones and surgeries, or the use of prosthetics. 
> 
> To give you fair warning, this v. of Gibbs has had no lower surgery, but he has been on testosterone since 13 yrs (per my earlier 'Wolverine'), so now he has an enlarged clitoris which looks like a micro-penis without the testicles (Pornhub is free if anyone's curious or interested), and he will use a couple of different prosthetics through-out the story, and not use them, as well.
> 
> There's gonna be a fair amount of sex in this fic, mostly cause people kept asking for it after Sunseeker, so have fun! 
> 
> Any questions about anything regarding this story are welcome! And please feel free to offer constructive crit., I'd love to hear what people think!
> 
> Thank you very, very much for reading.
> 
> Cheers,  
> Edmond.


End file.
